Listen to the SteventheThorn Podcast on Soundcloud. Below is the script for the show, but more content and hilarity is available on the podcast itself.
Classic Breakup Lines: “We Need to Talk”
Steven and Stephen talk about relationships in the Week’s Most Hilarious Half Hour!
a) Steven recaps the World Cup
2) Steven and Stephen discuss Breakup Lines
d) Stephen sings some Taylor Swift
iii) Steven provides some Template Breakup Lines
Welcome to the SteventheThorn Podcast! You’re listening to this podcast because I’m an authority on many things. Why am I an authority on many things? Because I have glasses and a beard.
WORLD CUP RECAP:
My previous four podcasts were about the World Cup. In case you missed the World Cup, here’s a recap of everything that happened:
a) Host nation Brazil won...first 5 games. Then they played Germany.
2) Uruguay superstar Luis Suarez got in trouble after eating some Italian. He initially denied the NOM NOM NOM, claiming that his upper jaw simply “impacted” Chiellini’s shoulder. After he realized that FIFA wouldn’t relax his substantial ban, Suarez changed his mind and decided that maybe he did have a nibble. But, as King Julian said in Madagascar, what’s a bite on the butt between a few friends? Here, Maurice, have a nibble.
d) Xenophobic Americans blamed soccer for the apparent rise of socialism in the United States. Apparently, fútbol is also anti-American and anti-Christian. Haters of soccer also took the World Cup as an opportunity to hate immigrants and people who don’t speak English. As we all know, this nation was founded exclusively by English-speaking white males. We’re so impressed by those people who can trace their American heritage back to the creation of the world in the year 6,018 B.C.
4) Adam Young of Owl City has a twin brother, Lionel Messi, who led his country of Argentina to the World Cup final. Unfortunately, they lost
E) Perhaps the most important news from the World Cup: the United States made us proud by surviving the Group of Death. We beat the Boogeyman, tied Cristiano Ronaldo, and lost 1-0 to World Cup champions Germany. After scoring the game winner against Ghana, John Brooks became greatest American since Abe Lincoln; and Tim Howard was appointed the Minister of Defense for his record-breaking performance against Belgium. We remember Howard’s efforts every time we have a Freedom Waffle for breakfast.
Joining me today is Stephen Kudlaty. Today Stephen and Steven are going to talk about breakup lines. Those zingers that we all must use, at one time or another, to end a relationship in the hopes of starting a new relationship with a funnier, more attractive person.
Disclaimer: This subject may step on a few people’s toes. It is not my goal to offend you. However, it is my goal to make fun of you.
Dedication: This show is dedicated to all the boys and girls who have used these lines, and to all of the boys and girls who have had these lines used on them.
If you’re just getting out of a relationship, I hope that this show can provide some consolation.
If you’re trying to end a relationship, I hope this show gives you some great ideas for dropping that bomb.
Before Using a Breakup Line: We Need to Talk
I think the universally accepted method of broaching a breakup is the dreaded: “We need to talk.”
It’s actually a great line because it braces the unlucky party for what’s coming next. I give that line five out of five stars.
It’s not you, it’s me. Translation? It’s you.
You’re too good for me. Translation? I’m too good for you.
It’s complicated. Translation? You’re not worth the time it would take to explain.
BURN Breakup Lines
I think I need glasses or something because I just can’t see us together anymore.
Please cancel my subscriptions. I’ve had enough of your issues.
Christian Breakup Lines
I feel like God is calling me in a different direction.
I just need to focus on my relationship with God.
I don’t feel like God is actually leading me to be in a relationship.
Our Proposed Breakup Line for Girls:
I am neither attracted by your body nor your personality. Looks are important. So is a sense of humor. You have neither. The only things you could possibly change are your fashion and your hygiene, but even that wouldn’t get you out of the negatives. If it makes you feel any better, I got an ego boost and some emotional pleasure out of being pursued. But my pity has now outweighed my sense of enjoyment. It’s over. Onto the friend shelf you go.
Our Proposed Breakup Line for Boys:
It’s over. I just realized that Emma Watson has a Twitter account, and I feel like I finally have a chance.
Our Proposed Gender-Neutral Breakup Line:
I was using you as a rebound. But I’m better now.
Breakup Lines vs Cold Shoulders
Can we give Breakup Liners and credit over the people who give the cold shoulder and just drop off the map?
1. “The One I’m Waiting For” by Relient K
1. “The One I’m Waiting For” by Relient K
2. Anything by Taylor Swift or Adele (Christina Gooch)
3. “Lovers to Friends” by Icona Pop (Jacey Dunn)
4. “Pain” by Three Day’s Grace (Zach Kley)
5. “I’m Not the Same Without You” by Donald Fagen (Mason Depew)
(Thanks to the above people for the Recommended Listening.)