Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope TWITTER AND FACEBOOK EDITION

TWEETS FROM THE TANTIVE IV

C3PO: Boarded by a Star Destroyer. No escape for Princess this time. #fail

R2D2: @C3PO, bleep bloop

C3PO: @R2D2, No one understands what you’re saying. #astromechsaredumb

PrincessSuprStr: @obiwankenobi, help me your my only hope

PrincessSuprStr: listening to some Johnny Cash really fitting my mood #johnnycash

AnakinPodRacer: @C3PO, did i see you on the Tantive IV tonight?

C3PO: @AnakinPodRacer, Master! Where have you been? I thought Darth Vader hacked your account.

Palpatinno: @AnakinRacer, Lord Vader, I told you to stop using that old username.

AnakinRacer: @Palpatinno, but it makes me feel young @C3PO nope i’m still here. doing just fine. u?

C3PO: Yeah, just fine. Nope, you definitely didn’t see me on the Tantive IV tonight. What’s a Tantive IV?

FACEBOOK FROM THE TANTIVE IV

Joe Stormtrooper is at Tantive IV.

Joe Stormtrooper: I’m wounded!

Carl Stormtrooper commented on Joe Stormtrooper’s status: Wounded?

Joe Stormtrooper commented on his own status: You know, “Yeah, you know, hit, but not fatally?”

Andy Stormtrooper commented on Joe Stormtrooper’s status: “i thought this suit was designed to make sure you were dead if u got hit. why else would we wear them?”

TWEETS FROM TATOOINE

t16pilotkid: shooting womprats today! haha! #nomorethan2meterswide #loveit

C3PO: @t16pilotkid, Really? Nomorethan2meterswide? What kind of hashtag is that? That’s not going to trend.

BobaFett: looking for something to disintegrate today. any ideas? #nomorethan2meterswide #HanSolo

Andy Stormtrooper: looking for some droids. not sure how big they are. #nomorethan2meterswide

JabbaHipster: I wish I could fit back into my old college jeans. #nomorethan2meterswide

MosEisleyPD: Police are asking the public for clues on who shot first at a murder in a Mos Eisley Cantina.

HanSolo: Hope you find the right man. RT @MosEisleyPD Police are asking the public for clues on who shot first at a murder in a Mos Eisley Cantina.

obiwankenobi: can anyone tell me if making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs is a good time?

wookiepower: Raaaaa!

YoungTatooineRepublicans: Great insight into the upcoming election. RT @wookiepower: Raaaaa!

FACEBOOK FROM TATOOINE


Obi-wan Kenobi is now friends with C-3PO, R2-D2 and Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker liked the page “Rebel Alliance”

Luke Skywalker: my aunt and uncle were slaughtered by stormtroopers. text me.

Biggs Darklighter liked Luke Skywalker’s status.

Luke Skywalker posted on his own status: why did you like my status? my aunt and uncle are DEAD

Biggs Darklighter posted on Luke Skywalker’s status: I know, Luke. I liked it because I was showing my sympathy. Text me.

Luke Skywalker posted on his own status: ok thx bro. catch u at the tosche station l8r 2day?

Biggs Darklighter posted on Luke Skywalker’s status: Sorry bro, I’m helping fly the Rebel Alliance’s X-wings out to the Moon of Yavin. That’s where our new base is.

Luke Skywalker posted on his own status: should u be posting that information on the internet?

TWEETS FROM THE DEATH STAR


HanSolo: I guess it wasn’t a moon. #fail

ImperialOfficer77: @TK421 why aren’t you at your post?

TK421: @ImperialOfficer77 sry…equipment malfunction #militarylowestbidder

ImperialOfficer77: @TK-421 lol ill send someone down

AnakinRacer: Haha that’s hilarious! RT @Palpatinno: Fighting for the Rebel Alliance is like kissing your sister.

FACEBOOK FROM THE DEATH STAR

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are now friends

Darth Vader posted on Luke Skywalker’s Wall: Hey, are we related? We have the same last name.

Luke Skywalker commented on Darth Vader’s post: I don’t think so. ur last name is vader. nice profile pic btw. where did u get the suit?

Darth Vader commented on his own Wall post: Thanks, man. I got it at a convention in San Diego.

Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia Organa are in a relationship.

Obi-wan Kenobi is at The Death Star

Obi-wan Kenobi likes The Death Star Café

Darth Vader posted on Obi-wan Kenobi’s Wall: I sense your presence.

Obi-wan Kenobi commented on Darth Vader’s Wall post: No you don’t. You were just stalking my wall.

Darth Vader commented on his own Wall post: Meet you down by the hangar?

Obi-wan Kenobi commented on Darth Vader’s Wall post: Which one?

Darth Vader commented on his own Wall post: The one holding an old piece of junk.

Luke Skywalker: ben’s gone. i can’t believe he’s gone.

Biggs Darklighter liked Luke Skywalker’s status

Darth Vader liked Luke Skywalker’s status

TWEETS FROM THE ASSAULT ON THE DEATH STAR



t16pilotkid: red 5 standing by! #standingby

GoldLeader: @t16pilotkid, you’re attacking the Death star with a t16 skyhopper?

t16pilotkid: old username sry

PorkinsLovesFood: i got a problem here #spacebattle

BiggsDarklitr: @PorkinsLovesFood, eject #spacebattle

PorkinsLovesFood: @BiggsDarklitr, what are you stupid? we’re in space! seriously? eject? #standingby

AnakinRacer: @PorkinsLovesFood, @BiggsDarklitr, I have you now. #spacebattle #xwingssuck

HanSolo: @ t16pilotkid let’s blow this thing and go home #distractedTIEfighter #lol

FACEBOOK FROM THE MOON OF YAVIN

Luke Skywalker is single.

Princess Leia Organa is single.

Luke Skywalker: That was awkward.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Understanding Girls

Nota Bueno:

A) This post has structure and coherency.
II) The words “structure” and “coherency” may be interpreted loosely in Nota Bueno “A”
d) If you like this post, share it with your friends.
4) If you love my writing, join my e-mail list by e-mailing steventhethorn(at)gmail(dot)com
e) This concludes my Buenos Notas, Buenas Noches, and Bonus Nachos.

You know those little chocolate patties in Blue Bell Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream? The ones that melt in your mouth when you’re spending a summer afternoon reading books by Beverly Clearly? Yeah, those.

They taste really good.


Understanding Girls

One of my greatest contributions to the human race is Steven’s Statement. The creatively titled Steven’s Statement is as follows:

If I could summarize the thought-processes of girls into one sentence, it would be this:

“Girls don’t like their thought-processes summarized into one sentence.”


The years after the publishing of this statement were filled with success for me—much as the years following Coldplay’s release of their hit album, X&Y were successful for them.

After Chris Martin solved Algebra with the hit single, “Fix You,” the band achieved perfection. They had nowhere to go but down. The English alternative rockers managed to circumvent this fate by Viviendo La Vida in Technicolor (twice), where they resided until last September.

Coldplay solved Algebra with "Fix You."

But back to subject at hand.

After I received much media acclaim for “Steven’s Statement,” I hit a highly emotional point in my life where I questioned everything that I knew.
Two principal events led up to this emotional point:

1) One August night, I ate three pieces of New York Cheesecake, and I got a tummy ache.

2) During the dinner which preceded this over-indulgence of Big Apple* Cheesecake, I was about to take a bite of mashed potatoes.
After I transferred the foodstuffs from my fork onto my palate, I realized that I was not, in fact, eating mashed potatoes—but rather cauliflower. The mistake can be traced back to the similar appearance of the aforementioned “mashed potatoes” and “cauliflower.” This confusion may or may not have been amplified by an excess of “That’s It..Keep going.”

*Note, by the way, that for the purposes of cooking, “Big Apple” and “New York” are not interchangeable.

If you’ve ever been prepared to taste a certain beverage or food (like milk or mashed potatoes) but tasted an entirely different beverage or food instead (like ketchup—or ketchup) then you know how I feel.

How I feel? Or is it “How I felt”? How I feeling? How I felony?

Either way, if that’s happened to you, you know what it’s like.

During this tumultuous period in my life, I realized that by summarizing the thought-processes of girls in one sentences, I had succeeded in doing the very thing that girls don’t like, which is to say, “summarizing their thought-processes in one sentence.”

Therefore, a committee, composed of the students from the Top 10% of the graduating class of my high school*, decided to amend Steven’s Statement. Their proposed revision is as follows:

If I could summarize the thought-processes of girls into more than one sentence, it would be this:

“Girls don’t like their thought-processes summarized into one sentence.
In the realm of thought-processes, girls cannot be regarded as a single whole—but rather should be thought of as individuals, with varying societal influences depending on birth, educational status, and Starbucks.
Therefore, women must be allowed at least four sentences in which to summarize their thought-processes.”


*I was homeschooled.

Unsurprisingly, this amendment was unanimously rejected.
In the aftermath of this failure, 50% of the Top 10% of the graduating class resigned in shame from their academic careers. Steven’s Statement still reigns, uncontested by meddling scholars.

Conclusion


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to understand girls.


Twitter tag: #richmenandcamels

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Funeral and Self-Deprecating Humor

Nota Bueno:

a) This post may appear to have structure and coherency.
2) Don’t let appearances fool you.
d) If you like this post, share it with your friends.
III) If you love my writing, join my e-mail list by e-mailing steventhethorn(at)gmail(dot)com
F) This concludes my Buenos Notas, Buenas Noches, and Bonus Nachos.

My Funeral and Self-Deprecating Humor

Self-deprecating humor is a valuable gift. I like making fun of myself, and girls seem to like that too.

You can find humor in almost any situation. I would be able to find humor at my funeral, but I won’t be at my own funeral. That really bothers me. There may, however, be some girls at my funeral.

Technically, I will be at my funeral, but I won’t be much for conversation. I will be dead.

Problem: I will be dead at my funeral.

That’s sad, because without conversation, I won’t be able to make self-deprecating jokes, and all of the girls there will be sad (which, in turn, is sad).

Solution: I will fake my death. At the funeral, I will rise out of the coffin accompanied by the fanfare of trumpets.

That will awaken the back pew.


Conclusion


It is easier for a rich man to fake his death than for a camel to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Twitter tag: #richmenandcamels