Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Understanding Girls

Nota Bueno:

A) This post has structure and coherency.
II) The words “structure” and “coherency” may be interpreted loosely in Nota Bueno “A”
d) If you like this post, share it with your friends.
4) If you love my writing, join my e-mail list by e-mailing steventhethorn(at)gmail(dot)com
e) This concludes my Buenos Notas, Buenas Noches, and Bonus Nachos.

You know those little chocolate patties in Blue Bell Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream? The ones that melt in your mouth when you’re spending a summer afternoon reading books by Beverly Clearly? Yeah, those.

They taste really good.

Understanding Girls

One of my greatest contributions to the human race is Steven’s Statement. The creatively titled Steven’s Statement is as follows:

If I could summarize the thought-processes of girls into one sentence, it would be this:

“Girls don’t like their thought-processes summarized into one sentence.”

The years after the publishing of this statement were filled with success for me—much as the years following Coldplay’s release of their hit album, X&Y were successful for them.

After Chris Martin solved Algebra with the hit single, “Fix You,” the band achieved perfection. They had nowhere to go but down. The English alternative rockers managed to circumvent this fate by Viviendo La Vida in Technicolor (twice), where they resided until last September.

Coldplay solved Algebra with "Fix You."

But back to subject at hand.

After I received much media acclaim for “Steven’s Statement,” I hit a highly emotional point in my life where I questioned everything that I knew.
Two principal events led up to this emotional point:

1) One August night, I ate three pieces of New York Cheesecake, and I got a tummy ache.

2) During the dinner which preceded this over-indulgence of Big Apple* Cheesecake, I was about to take a bite of mashed potatoes.
After I transferred the foodstuffs from my fork onto my palate, I realized that I was not, in fact, eating mashed potatoes—but rather cauliflower. The mistake can be traced back to the similar appearance of the aforementioned “mashed potatoes” and “cauliflower.” This confusion may or may not have been amplified by an excess of “That’s It..Keep going.”

*Note, by the way, that for the purposes of cooking, “Big Apple” and “New York” are not interchangeable.

If you’ve ever been prepared to taste a certain beverage or food (like milk or mashed potatoes) but tasted an entirely different beverage or food instead (like ketchup—or ketchup) then you know how I feel.

How I feel? Or is it “How I felt”? How I feeling? How I felony?

Either way, if that’s happened to you, you know what it’s like.

During this tumultuous period in my life, I realized that by summarizing the thought-processes of girls in one sentences, I had succeeded in doing the very thing that girls don’t like, which is to say, “summarizing their thought-processes in one sentence.”

Therefore, a committee, composed of the students from the Top 10% of the graduating class of my high school*, decided to amend Steven’s Statement. Their proposed revision is as follows:

If I could summarize the thought-processes of girls into more than one sentence, it would be this:

“Girls don’t like their thought-processes summarized into one sentence.
In the realm of thought-processes, girls cannot be regarded as a single whole—but rather should be thought of as individuals, with varying societal influences depending on birth, educational status, and Starbucks.
Therefore, women must be allowed at least four sentences in which to summarize their thought-processes.”

*I was homeschooled.

Unsurprisingly, this amendment was unanimously rejected.
In the aftermath of this failure, 50% of the Top 10% of the graduating class resigned in shame from their academic careers. Steven’s Statement still reigns, uncontested by meddling scholars.


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to understand girls.

Twitter tag: #richmenandcamels


  1. Speaking authoritatively as a girl replete with thought processes, I can unequivocally state that girls do, indeed, have thought processes, no matter how many sentences may be required to summarize them. What you have overlooked in Steven's Statement is the Cauldron Corollary, which I would not expect you to know, since you have no sisters. The Cauldron Corollary is as follows:

    All females, beginning at a very early age, carry around inside their heads a bubbling little cauldron of crazy. As they mature, the cauldron increases in size, greatly expanding the chance of severe damage to anyone upon which the contents are spilled (or in some cases, thrown). Many women have developed coping mechanisms which effectively bolt down the lid on the Great Bubbling Cauldron of Crazy for long periods of time. Eventually, however, all these coping mechanisms are doomed to fail and the crazy gets out, whether to a small degree or in the form of massive-ecological-disaster-Jerry-Bruckheimer-size spillage.

    Therefore, Steven's Statement, absent an understanding and acceptance of the Cauldron Corollary, will never be able to explain women, because basically, we are all crazy to some extent.

  2. I may need to apply for a research grant to study the Cauldron Corollary in more depth. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

  3. Now that Steven has a sister, he may also be able to do a little research through scientific observation. However, this may prove difficult, as his sister is fairly skilled at keeping the lid tightly shut on her cauldron (most of the time at least)...

    On another note, how would you summarize the thought-processes of boys in one sentence?

  4. Well..... I suppose that the easiest way to summarize the thought process of boys would be................. um............... kinda......................... uh .................... what were we talking about again?