This post was originally a transcript of a Soundcloud podcast. That content is being moved to YouTube.
Classic
Breakup Lines: “We Need to Talk”
BLURB:
Steven and Stephen talk about relationships in the
Week’s Most Hilarious Half Hour!
a) Steven recaps the World Cup
2) Steven and Stephen discuss Breakup Lines
d) Stephen sings some Taylor Swift
iii) Steven provides some Template Breakup Lines
INTRO:
Welcome to the SteventheThorn Podcast! You’re
listening to this podcast because I’m an authority on many things. Why am I an
authority on many things? Because I have glasses and a beard.
WORLD CUP RECAP:
My previous four podcasts were about the World
Cup. In case you missed the World Cup, here’s a recap of everything that
happened:
a) Host
nation Brazil won...first 5 games. Then they played Germany.
2)
Uruguay superstar Luis Suarez got in trouble after eating some Italian. He
initially denied the NOM NOM NOM, claiming that his upper jaw simply “impacted”
Chiellini’s shoulder. After he realized that FIFA wouldn’t relax his
substantial ban, Suarez changed his mind and decided that maybe he did have a
nibble. But, as King Julian said in Madagascar, what’s a bite on the butt
between a few friends? Here, Maurice, have a nibble.
d) Xenophobic
Americans blamed soccer for the apparent rise of socialism in the United
States. Apparently, fútbol is also anti-American and anti-Christian. Haters of
soccer also took the World Cup as an opportunity to hate immigrants and people
who don’t speak English. As we all know, this nation was founded exclusively by
English-speaking white males. We’re so impressed by those people who can trace
their American heritage back to the creation of the world in the year 6,018
B.C.
4) Adam
Young of Owl City has a twin brother, Lionel Messi, who led his country of
Argentina to the World Cup final. Unfortunately, they lost
E) Perhaps
the most important news from the World Cup: the United States made us proud by
surviving the Group of Death. We beat the Boogeyman, tied Cristiano Ronaldo, and
lost 1-0 to World Cup champions Germany. After scoring the game winner against
Ghana, John Brooks became greatest American since Abe Lincoln; and Tim Howard
was appointed the Minister of Defense for his record-breaking performance
against Belgium. We remember Howard’s efforts every time we have a Freedom
Waffle for breakfast.
Joining me today is Stephen Kudlaty. Today Stephen and Steven are going to talk about
breakup lines. Those zingers that we all must use, at one time or another, to
end a relationship in the hopes of starting a new relationship with a funnier,
more attractive person.
Disclaimer:
This subject may step on a few people’s toes. It is not my goal to offend
you. However, it is my goal to make fun of you.
Dedication:
This show is dedicated to all the boys and girls who have used these lines,
and to all of the boys and girls who have had these lines used on them.
If you’re just getting out of a relationship, I
hope that this show can provide some consolation.
If you’re trying
to end a relationship, I hope this show gives you some great ideas for dropping that bomb.
Before
Using a Breakup Line: We Need to Talk
I think the universally accepted method of
broaching a breakup is the dreaded: “We need to talk.”
It’s actually a great line because it braces the
unlucky party for what’s coming next. I give that line five out of five stars.
Breakup
Lines
It’s not you, it’s me. Translation? It’s you.
You’re too good for me. Translation? I’m too good for you.
It’s complicated. Translation? You’re not worth the time it would take to explain.
BURN Breakup Lines
I think I need glasses or something because I just
can’t see us together anymore.
Please cancel my subscriptions. I’ve had enough of
your issues.
Christian
Breakup Lines
I feel like God is calling me in a different
direction.
I just need to focus on my relationship with God.
I don’t feel like God is actually leading me to be
in a relationship.
Our
Proposed Breakup Line for Girls:
I am neither attracted by your body nor your
personality. Looks are important. So is a sense of humor. You have neither. The
only things you could possibly change are your fashion and your hygiene, but
even that wouldn’t get you out of the negatives. If it makes you feel any
better, I got an ego boost and some emotional pleasure out of being pursued.
But my pity has now outweighed my sense of enjoyment. It’s over. Onto the friend
shelf you go.
Our
Proposed Breakup Line for Boys:
It’s over. I just realized that Emma Watson has a
Twitter account, and I feel like I finally have a chance.
Our
Proposed Gender-Neutral Breakup Line:
I was using you as a rebound. But I’m better now.
Breakup
Lines vs Cold Shoulders
Can we give Breakup Liners and credit over the
people who give the cold shoulder and just drop off the map?
Recommended
Listening:
1. “The One I’m Waiting For” by Relient K
1. “The One I’m Waiting For” by Relient K
2. Anything by Taylor Swift or Adele (Christina
Gooch)
3. “Lovers to Friends” by Icona Pop (Jacey Dunn)
4. “Pain” by Three Day’s Grace (Zach Kley)
5. “I’m Not the Same Without You” by Donald Fagen
(Mason Depew)
(Thanks to the above people for the Recommended Listening.)
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